“I may not cry!” I tell myself, fiercely.
I help my adult daughter with her shower and see where the surgeon’s knife has cut into the beautiful skin of my child, and my heart aches. I want to cry out against the violation of this body, fruit of my body, but I swallow back the outcry and hold the drains while she pats the area dry. Her face is downward, as she carefully pats the myriad of stitches, making their double tracks across her chest, now flat as a man’s, and I catch a glimpse of her lips, pursed tight against the pain, and then I hear her muffled sobs, and I feel as if my heart is breaking.
“Lord Jesus! Have Mercy!”
Then with the resolve, a quiet calm comes into my heart as I feel the gentle presence of My Heavenly Father, and I do not cry. Not then. I try to speak quiet words of comfort that feel like they fall short, but she hears, and she regains composure, and we finish the task. She is finally back into the dressings, into her clothes, her hair and body clean once more. It is a triumph of no small import, and this girlie is a warrior. She’s wounded, but she is not defeated.
Late Monday night, Christina, our oldest daughter, took Deborah to the emergency room to check out a pain in her leg that felt reminiscent of the postoperative thrombosis that she had a year ago. She hated to go, but she also knew that blood clots are sneaky and deadly, and something just wasn’t right. Thankfully, she was clear (but this Mama didn’t sleep until the news was in). Yesterday was much better, and I’ve been pondering this whole journey because even though it is primarily hers, it belongs to all of us. It feels like she’s been stripped of parts so vital to who she is as a woman. And then, this morning as I motored about in her kitchen, her old ipod was playing on a shuffle and the song came on, “Complete in Him.” I listened to the music and remembered again that this adult child of mine is so much more than what has been taken from her. Her soul is intact.
Most of you know that I’m a firm believer in having a grateful heart. It truly has made a monumental difference in my life over the almost seven decades that I’ve been privileged to enjoy. But the last few months have been a challenge for me as I’ve watched the 16 other people in my family struggle with so many different things.
I started to list the things that have set my heart to sadness, but really, it feels like writing them down makes them more real, and frankly, I don’t need any more reality when it comes to the challenges of my family. The truth is, along with all the reversals, pain and loss, we have more than enough things for which to be thankful! Looking at the flip side of all the things going on, if I look closely enough, I can find ample reason to praise. Even more than that, in this current “dark night of my soul,” my Heavenly Father has given several specific answers to some desperate fervent prayers, sent unexpected words of encouragement, allowed me to find comfort in unexpected places, and provided meaningful contact with beloved family members and friends. I know who holds tomorrow and while that is comforting, I also know who holds today, and that is not only comforting, but enabling, quieting, and gives me peace.
And yes! My heart chooses the sacrifice of grateful praise.
Delaware Grammy 