Early September Dream

Sunday morning.  I was in that almost awake state that usually precedes the decision to get up for me.  I often have strange dreams of concerning situations in those minutes (i.e. Company coming and nothing prepared, church starting in 10 minutes and my hair is still not doing what it’s supposed to do while the family waits in the car, or people standing around at a social gathering and I’m not properly clad).  I’m actually often entertained by these dreams once I’m awake enough to realize that they are, in fact a dream!

This morning was different.  We were in church, everything was very proper, and the meeting was appropriate except that we were sitting in the pew we usually occupied when the children were young.  About the time that the service was dismissed, I looked across the auditorium and sitting midway back, alone on a bench was My Sweet Mama!  She was young, healthy and happy.  Her smile was absolutely radiant, and I said, “There’s Mama!!!”

Nobody else seemed to see her, and in that strange, dream reasoning, I somehow knew that I was the only one who could see her.  I felt strongly that I didn’t have much time, and I tried to get over to where she was now standing, smiling at me.  “She can’t stay,” I told myself.  “This isn’t where she really belongs!”

Just about the time that I got to her pew, she disappeared into thin air, leaving me with one last glimpse of that smiling face.  And I awoke, freshly bereft of the best Mama I could have ever asked for.

Sunday.  Monday.  Tuesday.  The image of her face is constantly with me, and I miss her fiercely.  Certain Man took me to see Uncle Jesse and Aunt Gladys last evening, and it helped to dull the intensity of what has felt like fresh grief.  I am grateful, but still somewhat melancholy.  What would she think if she were here?  What would she say to me? To my beloved siblings and in-laws?  To these grandchildren who have grown and multiplied and are the parents of adult, adolescent and younger children?  Would she be proud of her family?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

But she would listen and she would love us. That knowledge is enough for me to begin to turn the grief into gratefulness.  Right now, that fills a lot of cracks in this heart that is holding some hard, sad stories for which there seem to be no viable answers.

She would listen!  She would love us!

#myheartgivesgratefulpraise