Certain Man’s Wife Does the Fire Drill

Certain Man’s Wife has a home visit every month with her case manager from the State Department of Disabilities.  Darlene picks up spending records, medication reports, documentation of doctor visits, and social reports from each of the ladies in the home at Shady Acres.  Once every quarter, CMW needs to do a fire drill and document that for someone somewhere in the hierarchy of the state.  So often, CMW thinks that whoever is reading these things must find it the most boring thing in the world.  And it is great fun to write a report that has surprises or details in it that will cause someone to take a little notice.

Mandatory fire drills are things that make little sense to CMW.  Both of the ladies who reside with CM and CMW will never get themselves out in the event of a fire.  Someone will need to physically get Blind Linda on her feet and guide her out.  Someone needs to explain to Our Girl Audrey why she needs to get out — and supervision is very much needed.  This may explain why Certain Man’s house has six smoke detectors and they are careful to keep them in order.  The family at Shady Acres knows it will take time to get people out in the event of a fire.  However, the state still wants each foster care home to run a fire drill every three months, and to fill out their detailed form.

When CMW went to awaken Blind Linda this morning, she suddenly remembered that she hadn’t done the fire drill for the first three months of 2010.  With the two knee replacements, it was one of many things that went right over her head.  And this was the morning for the monthly visit from the case manager.  So in a sudden burst of inspiration, CMW decided that this would be a good morning to do a drill, and decided that maybe it would be good to have it start while both ladies were still in bed.  “After all,” reasoned CMW, “how often do we plan a convenient time for our house to catch on fire and we will need to evacuate?”

CMW hit the button on the smoke detector in their bedroom several times and neither lady budged an inch.  So she made note of the time on her wrist watch and went over and gave Our Girl Audrey a nudge on her ample rear that was sticking up under the mound of covers.

“Audrey!  Hey Audrey!  Wake up!”

“Ummmpfff!”  She said in a complainy sort of way.

“Hey, Audrey, wake up!  We are having a fire drill.  You need to get up and get out to the garage!”

“Huh??? “  She said sleepily, “Wha’d’ya say???”

“I said,” repeated CMW clearly, “We are having a fire drill.  You need to get up and get out to the garage.”

“Oh.  Um.  Okay.”  She grunted, and began to swing her legs over the side ponderously.

CMW went over to Blind Linda’s bed.  Blind Linda was awake.  “C’mon, Linda-girl.  We need to have this fire drill.  Come on, let’s go.”  Blind Linda wasn’t impressed, but she got up out of bed and shuffled along with CMW  towards the door.  As CMW looked back over her shoulder, she saw that Our Girl Audrey wasn’t really moving much. 

“Audrey, come on.  We are pretending the fire is in the kitchen.  Come on.  You don’t have time to get dressed.  Just come!”  CMW guided Blind Linda through the bathroom where she had to forcibly take her past the toilet where she usually sits down immediately after getting out of bed. 

“Sorry, Linda-girl.  I’ll bring you back in just a little bit.”  Blind Linda was not at all happy with this development.  She was in her jammies, barefoot and it was cold.  CMW thought about the cold cement at the bottom of the ramp and decided to have some mercy on her.  They moved through the laundry room, through the entry way and to the top of the ramp.  Right about now, Blind Linda had just about had enough.  STAMP!!!  STAMP!!!  Went her stubborn little foot at the top of the ramp.  “Huff!!! Puff!!! Snort!!!”  CMW looked over her shoulder.  There was no sign of Our Girl Audrey. 

“Here, Linnie,” she said, using a pet name, “You stand right here with your hand on the railing until I come back.”  She curled the fingers around the railing and made sure that Blind Linda was safely holding on and then flew back to the bedroom to check on Our Girl Audrey.

Audrey was busy making her bed.

“Audrey, Come!” she said more than a little forcefully.  “We are having a fire drill.  You need to get out.”

“Wha’?” asked Our Girl Audrey in her usual slow way.  “Wha’d’ya sayin’?”

“I said,” said CMW with just a bit of exasperation, “that we are having a fire drill.  Your case manager comes this morning and I have to have a fire drill to report.  Come on.  You just need to go to the top of the ramp.”

Our Girl Audrey looked down over her nightgown and back with distaste at CMW.  At this point, CMW got a firm grip on her hand and assisted her across the room and through the bathroom, through the utility room, through the entry way and to the landing at the top of the ramp.  It was more than a little crowded there with CMW, Blind Linda and Our Girl Audrey.  CMW looked at the motley crew, all three barefooted in the morning chill, She and Audrey were in their nighties and Blind Linda was in her P.J.’s.  Blind Linda was mad at the interruption in her morning routine, Audrey blinking owlishly and  looking like she couldn’t believe the indignities heaped upon her, and CMW couldn’t help but cover a grin as she checked the time on her wrist watch.  She had managed a fire drill!!!  One minute and forty five seconds.  Not too bad.  Hopefully,  whoever read it wouldn’t have to be bored at the details, and even though she felt sorry for her two ladies, sometimes their irritation at CMW is a cause for mirth.  CMW doesn’t blame them a bit for being provoked.  But when she accomplishes something that she really needs to do, and they are both looking so out of sorts – Well, to CMW’s biased eye, they are just plain cute.  And somehow, more normal in their aggravation than they are at almost any other time.

And that is the news from Shady Acres where the fire drill got reported, all the reports got filed, and CMW’s day was off to a grand start!


8 Comments

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8 responses to “Certain Man’s Wife Does the Fire Drill

  1. Such a well written senario.  I loved reading every word.  It is good, too, that it was a good drill with a good time.  You must be a very tender caretaker, BEG, to not get aggitated yourself with the girls and can instead see amusement and appreciate their reactions.  God bless you!

  2. LOL  Mom and I had a chuckle over this today thanks for sharing!

  3. I chuckled when I read this post because I used to work at a nursing home(night shift) and I always dreaded fire drills.It was always during last rounds and it was a major inconvenience.I always hated to wake up sleeping residents……but I guess it’s better to be prepared.

  4. Hilarious! I’m so glad you shared it…and really happy you all made it out in good time 😉 Hope they’re satisfied with your drill. Have a lovely weekend!

  5. Include your story on ‘attached page’ in your report…And that’s my final answer!! Oh, Mary Ann…what you don’t write about… Bless you.

  6. I enjoyed this story immensely. Of course, I enjoy all your stories immensely. This reminded me of the time my friend and I, who both worked at the Mennonite Home and slept there overnight sometimes, had just gotten to the home around 11 PM with a big pizza we had picked up. Just as we arrived, they had a fire drill. So of course, eating the pizza had to be put on hold while we helped to get residents out of the building. Unfortunately, one woman fell and bumped her head, causing it to bleed. She was taken care of, and eventually everyone was back in their beds. Then my friend and I could finally eat our pizza. Except it was cold (no microwaves back then!), and it was red, and all we could think about was blood.

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