The Proverbial Dam

There has been an emotional dam
Since March of this year
When I realized that my life
Was changing.

“Hold onto your heart,” I told myself,
“Give Grateful Praise.
This isn’t forever.
It’s probably not even for long.”
But it was.
And it has been.
And it will be.

The months have passed.
There has been
Schedule disruption
Illness
Death
Isolation
Loneliness
Confusion
Misunderstanding
Condescension
Pride
Division
Superciliousness

“Hold on to your head,” I told myself.
“You love people on both sides.
Alienating loved ones will do you no good.
Be true to yourself,
But love without rancor
Or distain
Or conceit
Or the audacity that says
You cannot be taught.”

And so I held on to
My head and my heart.
But somewhere along the
Long and arduous pathway
Something became numb.
Whenever things became heavy
I set them away from me.
I assumed it would be easier
Later.

Now it is later.
The dam that held
This dark river back is leaking
And the water won’t stop.
I feel old and numb.
The dark water is cold.
The Challenges are real.
Sometimes it seems that
What wants to
Take me down
Is a selfish sadness.

Grieving the losses is healthy
Sadness is honest.
But if I only let myself feel it when
I cannot hold it in any longer,
It’s neither honest nor healthy.

It’s too much to carry alone.
Through the dark waters,
above the roar of a dam breaking
I hear the voice of my Shepherd.
“Come to me, all of you who are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest. 29 Accept my teachings and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest for your lives. 30 The burden that I ask you to accept is easy; the load I give you to carry is light.”
(Matt11:28-30, NCV)

Ah, my Abba-Father, here is my quit claim.
I am giving you myself, for I am not any use
To my friends, my family or my self on my own.
Live your life in me. Carry my burdens. Inhabit my praise.

Then shall my heart give honest, grateful praise.





2 Comments

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2 responses to “The Proverbial Dam

  1. Oh dear MaryAnn. How I feel this!!!! Thank you for putting it into words the way you do so well.

    I was reading some of my old letters and was encouraged by what I wrote in 2004. Sometimes I forget the deep valleys I have walked through before.

    “This experience, along with other difficult things very close to my heart, make me all the more determined to just throw myself in complete dependence and trust upon my Heavenly Father, whom I choose to believe is a Mighty God.”

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