Today my doctor’s office called and said that I was on the list for cancelations, and an opening has come up for November 30th. Did I want it???
Suddenly, I didn’t know if I wanted to move it up or not. I had my plans laid, and I have been wrapping my mind around December 14th. But I really want to get it over with — And so does my family — especially my husband.
And so (drum roll here!) the current plans are to replace the first of my troublesome knees three weeks from today. . .
HELP!!!! It feels like that’s too soon!
But wait! It feels like that’s not soon enough!
There are lots of you out there that will identify with this, but there are so many things to dislike about the current situation. I dislike the medication fog that is always with me. I dislike that my balance is so off — just accidently bumping up against an unmoveable object can throw me off enough to cause me to fall. I dislike the limping, make-do gait that I can’t seem to conquer. I dislike having an aversion to steps. I dislike getting into a bathing suit and sneaking into a semi-public place where there are old and infirm people (like me!) trying to regain what has been lost. I dislike having to think about whether there is something to get a firm grip on so that I can get out of a chair. (The worst is armless folding chairs — and I never noticed before how many gatherings are held on those unhandy things.) I dislike having everything take me so much longer than it ever did before. I dislike the pitying glances of people (who all seem to be doing what I would like to do at a much faster rate than I could muster even before all this ) I dislike that sinking, desperate feeling that reminds me that I MUST sit down and the day’s work isn’t finished yet. I DISLIKE THE PAIN.
Pain. It is the thing we try so hard to get rid of. I told someone the other day that I believe that we should do what we can to alleviate our pain. I am not against procedures, pain killers, etc, that are strictly for the relief of pain. I am more than “not against them” — I’m FOR THEM!!! But the truth is, there just is some pain that nothing can touch. There is pain that is inescapable.
This is hard for me to accept. I’ve always had a high pain tolerance, and usually there has been something that would fix things and I could just go on doing what I always have done. But things have changed, and I find myself suddenly stripped of all the things that were mine to cling to, mine to rely on, mine to use to fix whatever was wrong.
And that is when I crash into those Everlasting Arms. Jesus suffered so much for me. He understands the pain. He holds me then and comforts me like only He can. Sometimes I feel like a wee one on His lap. Sometimes I feel like He tells me to be strong and get going or keep going on. Sometimes He leads me through it like a Shepherd through a storm. I fail Him, but He does not fail me. A Faithful Shepherd is my Lord.
And so, I’m probably never going to really be “ready” for this surgery. But by God’s incredible Grace, and the help of my family and friends, I am going to try to be brave and do my part.
The rest is in His Hands. And He is worthy of my Trust.