I was sitting in my chair, in the corner beside the fire on this chilly Monday morning.  I kept trying to wrap my head around the ache in my heart.  I just could not really believe that Merlin was gone.  He was so vibrant, so healthy, so alive!  The usual things have been said, and I believe, I believe!  He IS more alive than he has ever been.  He IS in the presence of the LORD, and he would never have wanted to stay in that broken body.  I’m sure he has seen The Father, I’m sure he has seen his Dad — and mine.  But it all seems so surreal.

I was working on a letter to my kids when the morning quiet was interrupted by the phone.  It was Certain Man. His quiet strength and understanding have helped to hold me steady in this last week.  Sometimes I see him watching me with a calculating look, sometimes worried.

“I don’t know if you can see it or not, Hon,” he said, “but the sunrise is spectacular this morning.  Go look to see if you can see it.”

Almost four decades with this guy tells me to never ignore such information, and I got up and looked towards the east.  “What do you see, Sweetheart?” I ask, looking at a gray horizon, and seeing nothing of significance.

“I just came across the bridge at the swamp,” he says, “and the sun is hanging over the swamp like a big ball of fire.  You may not be able to see anything because of the trees, but it is simply gorgeous.”

I look and look, and don’t even see a glimmer of the fire.  Just gray horizon with an area that is a bit brighter where the sun will probably appear after a while.  I don’t doubt that he is seeing it — and that it is breath taking, but I just can’t see it.  Yet.

“I’m sorry, Daniel, but it isn’t up far enough yet.  It sounds wonderful, though.”  We exchange a few more bits of conversation and then I am back into the morning routine with my ladies and laundry — busy stuff to keep my hands occupied while my heart weeps.

And then, fixing a cup of coffee, looking listlessly out the side window where the summer flowers escaped frost one more night, I keep thinking about the morning and the sunrise I couldn’t see.  I keep thinking that there is something nagging at edge of my conscious thought.  I keep thinking about Merlin and how they said he often would call one of his brothers in the early morning hours to “go riding.”  He was an accomplished biker, and loved to cycle, too.  I got to thinking about what he might tell us this morning if he could call back.

“Come.  Ride with me!  You can’t see it yet, but the Morning is glorious!  The Son is like a ball of fire, and all the air is alive with His presence.  You can’t see it yet, you can’t see it yet, you can’t see it yet . . .”

And the fact that I don’t see it yet — don’t begin to understand it yet, doesn’t change the fact that I believe it is for real, and that someday, The Son will come for all who look for him, and it won’t carry the grief of this day, but rather the promise of a Glorious reunion and an eternity without the pain of separation.

“Ah, Merlin!  The ‘if only’s’ and the sadness of this day crowd out the the things my head wants to say.  We will miss you, and you will always be thought of with good memories in the hearts of so many.  May God grant healing to your family, and may this “seed sown in the mortal body” rise to everlasting life.”

(Lord Jesus, forgive my questioning heart, but WHY did it have to be him????)



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11 responses to “

  1. Thank-you, thank-you Mary Ann. These words and reflections make my mind soar.

  2. Dear friend, there is nothing I could say more than you’ve said in your that last paragraph.

  3. We sorrow now, but we have that sure and blessed Hope. May God comfort all.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. May you feel God’s presence with you as you go through these next days.

  5. What a beautiful analogy! I have read all the CarePage entries and looked at the pictures. Even though I never knew him, he was my age, and he was your cousin, and I am very, very sad for all of you loved ones.

  6.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.We do not know what we ought to pray for,but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit,because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.  Romans 8:26-27Words seem inadequate at times like this.Praying…….

  7. Oh Mary Ann! My heart hurts for the whole family. It seems like you all have had more than your share of losses. Love and prayers!

  8. I love how the Lord used your husband to show you this truth, to help your aching heart.  I am so sorry for your loss – I hadn’t heard until just now, and had been praying for you all.  May you find comfort in your Lord!

  9. Tragedy…….nothing can prepare us, but HIS GRACE will sustain us.   HE is soo loving thru these times.  May you feel it as well as know it….

  10. This was very Touching to me,I lost Both My in -laws this year in 6 months time from each other .They were My best friends .I know the Loss …….MAY God give YOU THE Peace THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING .

  11. Dear Mary Ann, I’m so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for sharing Merlin’s story and also sharing your heart.  We grieve with you and with Merlin’s family.  They have lost so very much!  Jerry served with Merlin in VS in the early 70’s–wish we could attend his funeral but will be there in heart & spirit, praying for God’s love to comfort and encourage the family.  Love you, Ruby

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