Smart Phone Woes

Certain Man and Certain Man’s Wife have been old sticks in the mud when it come to their flip phones.  There never was any reason to change.  The phones had been loyal, dependable and very sturdy friends.  CMW actually washed hers in the washing machine.  One time a whole cycle.  But it was put into the rice remedy and continued to work without complaint.

However, the offspringin’s prevailed upon their parents and offered help and assistance and both Certain Man and his wife became to owners of one of the smart phones– something “6-ish.”  (CMW honestly does not know its proper name.)

Anyhow, said phone has proven to be very helpful in the many messages to siblings and offspringin’s and keeping up with things when CMW was away from home.  And she was especially delighted with the way there were suggestions for words across the top of the screen when she was messaging, because it cut down on the time considerably.  A great invention, indeed.  She came to rely heavily upon the given suggestions.

Too heavily.

With Sweet Mama being so sick, and a history of things being needed, it came to pass that CMW had the cell number of the beloved family Doctor.  On rare occasions, she would employ this for things that were needed at inopportune times, and this morning was one of those times.  She texted a message to Dr. Wilson, and about a half an hour later, her texted back a short, but very welcome, “DONE.”

Now CMW does not take such things for granted, and so she texted back, “Thanks, Dr. Wilson.  YOU DA BEST!!!”

At least that was what she thought she had texted.

The morning wore on, there was laundry to do, other messages to field and then there was the time when she suddenly noticed the text that she had actually sent to the good physician.

“Thanks, Dr. Wild One.  YOU DA BEST!!!”

Oh, dear!!!   Oh, Dear!!!  Oh, Dear!!!

She still thinks the good doctor is one of the best, but “Wild” is not a word that would be appropriate for this particularly steady, southern Delaware family doctor.

CMW is going to just blame it on that smarty-pants phone.

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Fourth Sunday

It is Sunday afternoon.  Mama’s bird is singing in the sun room.  I collapsed on my chair, the exhaustion of the week caught up with me and I slept a restless sleep.  The music that is playing quietly is Classical Lullabies by Fisher Price, and Certain Man is kicked back in his lazy-boy, sleeping soundly.  He came down with a bad cold and sore throat and needs the sleep even more than I do.  Lena is quietly here, doing something on her computer.  Middle Daughter is sleeping, getting ready for an evening shift with Delaware Hospice.  Youngest Daughter is in Chicago, believe it or not, spending time learning to know one of her daddy’s cousin and his family, Dan and Heather Yutzy and their precocious five year old, Kiran.  Rachel actually went to Chicago for the bachelorette party for her friend, Anna, whose wedding is coming up in a few weeks, but it has been a grand week for God happenings, and this Mama gives grateful praise.

I am just ready to head out to Country Rest Home.  My brother, Nel and his wife, Rose, arrived yesterday and have been helping to fill in the gaps.  Mama’s sister, Alma Jean Yoder, from Harrisonburg, Virginia, caught a ride to Delaware last evening, and her helping hands have already filled in some gaps for us.  It is pretty much the same there for our Sweet Mama.  Sometimes it feels like these days just run together with almost no variation except decline.

Early in this journey, one Sunday morning, while I sat by her bed in the hospital, she reached for my hand and spoke life giving words of love to me that I’ve needed for some time.  I always have known that my Mama loved me, but this last year has been hard for her and us all, and there were many times when it felt like the filters were gone and things were said that would set me back on my heels.  Sometimes when it was time to travel the miles to her house, I would ask the Father for the garment of praise and for wisdom to understand what it was that was best for my Mama, for I knew that she always could tell when something was bothering me and she hated it terribly when she thought I was sad.

“Mary Ann,” she would sometimes say with her eyes all pleading, “Have I been a good girl?”  Often this was after one of her more strident declarations, or actions that were out of character for her. How I hated that question that put me fully in the place of being the parent, while my heart still begged to be her child.  I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that she needed to stop driving.  I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that she needed a wheelchair or a walker.  I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that her days of self medicating were over.

“Everytime you come,” she said earlier this year, “you take something else away from me!!!” And she burst into tears.  Mama almost never cried, and it wrenched my heart as I struggled to know the difference between what was okay, what was negligence and what risks were acceptable.  I almost never laid down the law (we don’t do that with our Mama) but tried to negotiate what she was willing to live with and what she wasn’t.

And now she is suffering so much.  She moves so restlessly on the bed that has been her “home” in these last ten days, no longer asking to go home, not asking me to take her home with me.  She hasn’t spoken my name since Wednesday, and that is okay.  I don’t ask her because I don’t want her to have to think that hard.  I remember her words of love and I am comforted.  How I wish I could fix this for her.  I wish I could transform her into the healthy, young vibrant Mama of my youth, bring back the good, good times, the dancing eyes, the music, the love of beauty and the strong body.  These are the memories that we have of this brave, indomitable woman who is our mama.

But even if I couldn’t bring back the body the way it once was, today I’d give almost anything just to have her be the Mama.

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My Brother Writes . . . “Ready or Not”

From my brother, Mark, Jr.

Tonight I am staying with my Mom, and the night brings a mixture of emotions as I stand by this woman who has been such a good Mama to me and my siblings.  I’ve often said that our life and our family was far from perfect, and we deal with baggage we are not even aware of, I’m sure.  But we were and we are so blessed, and Mom deserves so much credit for the blessings we’ve had.  It feels sad to me tonight that I cannot do more for her in this hour that she would (and does) hate so much.  Death is coming way too slowly for Mom.  She never wanted this, to labor for each breath, to fight the pain, to spend the hours moaning lightly, and knowing that the end is inevitable, coming relentlessly to take her away, like it or not.  Like the children’s game of Hide and Seek, the count down is soon, and I can hear the words, “here I come, ready or not.”  I’ve tried to smile, to be cheerful, to speak words of hope, to tell her that she has been such a good Mama.  When she was still able, she asked me why I was grinning at her.  She told me I was speaking so loud, but she gave me sweet smiles and told me she loved me, too, when I reminded her how I felt toward her.  Mom and I shared those words often these past years when I was leaving her house, or going away, etc.  Her words came easier along those lines the past few years, and brought me comfort and blessing.  It is still good to be loved by your Mama, and to hear words of affirmation and pleasure from her lips.  I’m going to miss that…

So this night brings a bucketful of emotions.  I do feel excitement for her, delight to know that she will soon be free of this suffering, and that so much joy awaits her on the other side.  This is the hope we’ve built our lives on, and I’m grateful this hope brings us deep-down rest and comfort when there is nothing more we can do for our Mama.  With certainty and conviction, a knowing that surpasses the intellect and logic of the mind, and comes from deep within our spirit, we believe and we trust that His promises are true.  It’s our anchor for the soul,  The best is yet to come, and so much good awaits Mom, and she will be there soon, and we rejoice with her.

But there is sadness, too.  Life goes too quickly, and part of me wants to go back in time, to enjoy and appreciate again life the way it was.  I chose and try hard to live life without regrets and lots of “if only”, because I believe in amazing grace, and God’s ability to redeem messes and mistakes.  That is not the longing I feel tonight, to wish I could change things, and do better and be kinder, although there is that part, too, sometimes.  But there is a part that doesn’t want to let go of this person who has always been there, always been on my side, always wanted me and loved me, and made me feel I was doing good.  There is a part of me that doesn’t want to face my own frailty, to know that I’m now the next generation, that I’m running out of time, too.  Reading back over this just now, it is obvious that there are no words to really express the heart in a time like this.   Some things are just beyond words.

So thanks for your prayers and for your love and for your caring.  Thanks for being family.  It does feel good to have people who care in times like this.  We appreciate it.  And right now would be a good time to say a prayer for Mom.  Things are not easy for her.  Every move is labor.  She woke up just now and said “Hey!”  I reminded her of when she would tell us to save our hay, we might marry a mule someday…  She no longer can talk back and forth, and her words are hard to understand most of the time…

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Another Day, a Different Story

Three weeks ago about right now, I got the call from Mark saying that he was with Mama, and that she had fallen, and that he thought something was broken.  I look back over these last 21 days and am reminded again that NOTHING is out of our Father’s sight, care or control.

I need that reminder tonight.  Mama lapsed into a very quiet state today and has barely spoken.  Her breathing is a bit more labored, and she does not respond to much, except to protest when she is moved or to briefly say something when spoken to directly.  I did not try to make conversation with her except to ask her when she looked at me beseechingly whether she wanted to tell me something. She only closes her eyes with a resigned, weary look. The difference between today and yesterday is phenomenal.  But once again, we just never know.  She looks uncomfortable, and has a worried expression on her face while she sleeps, but denies pain when she is asked.  They are trying hard to keep her comfortable.  The staff at Country Rest Home is so kind to her, tender with their touches because they know that it must hurt somehow because of how she protests.

I told her yesterday that when I was a little girl, it didn’t matter what the problem was– cut finger, scraped knee or broken heart, she always knew how to make it better.  I wish that I could make this better for her.  Even though I cannot, we know the one who can, and in His time and by His Grace, it will be wonderful.

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Keeping us guessing!

Well, she’s done it again!

Yesterday she was much improved over the day before.  She was awake — watchful, hungry some of the time, wanting water, wanting to get off her back, wanting to know how she got there, wanting to know if she was going home with me, wanting to go to her home, wondering how she was ever going to get up on the bus– interspersed with some very interesting proclamations (“God loves a cheerful giver!!!”).  So yes, she didn’t sleep nearly as much yesterday — but still not remembering a lot of stuff, very confused at times, and others quite with it.  Her family doctor came in yesterday and took out the stitches that should have come out ten days ago — (we haven’t seen her orthopedic guy since she had the heart attack in the hospital,  which was 17 days ago) — and she rallied to his presence like someone turned on a light, causing him to proclaim that she needed to work hard to get better so she could go back to her house and her bird!  This morning she doesn’t remember that he was there . . .

Frankly, we are so confused as a family.  Our Deborah, who is our household’s resident hospice nurse, tells us that this is not unusual — that there often are good days spaced between the bad.  So we don’t know if this is just a temporary spike or if it is a trend.  Whew!  It’s a roller coaster!

My youngest sister, Alma spent the night and she said that she had a good night.   Middle Sister, Sarah’s family is coming in for the weekend, and we want her to be able to enjoy them.  All my brothers and sisters gave me such an incredible gift last weekend to be able to be with my family even while keeping up with what happened with Mama, and I would like for her to be able to have the same privilege.  Nel and his wife, Rose were to go to Canada next week on a yearly vacation, but they have decided to stay home and come to Delaware instead.  This is a great comfort to us local siblings.  It will be nice to have them here.  Please continue to pray for us — for wisdom and courage and patience.

And that is the news from a sunny corner room at Country Rest Home, where our Merciful, Loving Heavenly Father keeps watch with us and only He knows what this day holds.  We choose to trust Him.

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Mama Sees What We Cannot

We were sitting there around her bed, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Gladys, Alma, Mark,Jr. and I.  Mama had been pretty much comatose for a couple of hours, barely responding to anything.  And never fully comprehensible in anything she said.  In earlier days, she would hear things in the bedside conversations that would shake her from her withdrawn state and she would ask, “What?” or “Who?” but today there was none of that.  Just watching the ceiling sometimes, following an unseen object that seemed to be moving from one area of the room to a far corner.  Sometimes she would have a small smile, sometimes a puzzled look. We were letting her rest and the conversation between the five of us was gentle.  Sweet.  Memories and concern and the sorrow of what we were seeing wrapped us in an easy camaraderie where time seemed to stand still..

Suddenly, without warning, Mama opened her eyes, her face awash with glorious joy.  She lifted both arms towards Heaven and made beckoning motions with her hands. And as clear as a bell, no mumbling, no stumbling, no trailing off, she said, “Oh!  Here’s my Sweetie!  When did you get back?  Come here!  I love you!” And then, just as quickly, she returned to her comatose state, but a look of puzzlement would sometimes fleet across her face like, “What was that about?” It was an incredibly Holy moment and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

This evening, she is still in that state, where it feels like one foot is on earth and one in Heaven.  She is seemingly less and less aware of this old world,  and is sleeping more and more. One of us local siblings is usually with her.  Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren come in and out.  We give drinks of ice water, and spoon a little bit of food in — if she allows us to.  These hard days are times of Grace and Glory–as well as the sadness that is part of every waking moment.

Surrounded by love, held tight in the prayers, secure in the eyes of The Father, we rest.

And my heart gives grateful praise

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Sweet Mama Update

There really is no new news to report when it comes to the state of our Mama’s health.  Today has been ordinary in that there were no swift declines or crisis, just a quiet watching over and some unexpected confusion. At one point today, while Alma was there, Alma asked her if she knew who she was.

She said, “I know you are Mark Yoder’s daughter.”

“But what is my name?”she persisted.

“I just can’t remember your name right now,” she said.

About then, Mark’s Tim came in and Alma asked her, “Who is that?”  “That’s Tim!” she said.  And that is pretty much the tenor of things — some times she is with it and seems to know what is going on.  At other times she is really out of it.

Please pray for us as a family that we will have courage and strength and patience and wisdom.  All of us are very tired.  All of us want to do what is best for our Mama’s comfort, but we realize our limitations.  Yesterday morning at the end of our family vacation, in our last morning family worship, as we were closing out, Lem said he had a word for us and he read these verses from Matthew 11.

28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Then today, Clint gave to us as siblings the promise he had received for today and that was Exodus 14:14.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

On these promises, we choose to stand.  We are not superhuman, but we do serve an incredible God and we have — each one of us– found HIM faithful.

Here is a picture of My Sweet Mama with my Favoritest Oldest Grandson.  This was taken on the best of times we have known in the last week.  Si was longing to see his Grandma Yoder and She knew him and talked to him.
IMG_0114

For this and so many other best gifts,

~My heart gives grateful praise.

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When Plans change

I want to sit a little longer in my chair.  The breeze is blowing in the side window, and everything is so quiet.  All our Littles have given big hugs, collected their flip flops and belongings, and been safely strapped into their respective car seats and boosters and shouted their good-byes.  All my adult children that are “spoused” have packed their cars, hugged their Daddy and Momma and their sibs and in-laws and driven out of the lane on their way back to their normals.

It has been a bitter sweet weekend.  We had planned to go to Pennsylvania to Copeland Lodge (http://copelandspring.com/) for five days this week (Wednesday to Sunday) for our biennual family vacation.  Ten bedrooms, lots of bathrooms, big kitchen and great room — everything just so right for a family our size.  Daniel’s sister, Lena, was going to be with us, so that made a grand total of 15 in the lodge.  Eldest Daughter, Christina, had carefully planned and the rest had marshalled around her to help with food and expenses and activities.  I could hardly contain myself, I was so excited.  We had arranged care for Nettie and Cecilia, and time away in a neutral turf without home responsibilities sounded so wonderful.

Then Sweet Mama fell, broke her femur, had surgery, developed pneumonia, had a heart attack, developed a secondary infection and eventually came home from the hospital under the care of Hospice to a sunny corner room at the Country Rest Home where there would be care for her broken leg, and comfort for her remaining days.  Our children offered me the option of not going to Pennsylvania, but rather a “stay-cation” where everyone would come home and we would do the best we could while here at home.  I could almost feel the anxiety drain from my body as I discovered that this was not the offer of only one of our kids, but every single one of them, along with the three in-laws.  I gratefully took the offer.  It gave me the opportunity to be close enough to keep in touch, and my siblings graciously freed me up from having to be responsible for what happened with Mama for these five days.

And so, we’ve had some happy, happy times together.  Some of the stuff they did without me.  Some of the time they cheerfully held the edges of stuff together for me with Nettie and Cecilia and together, we just kept things going.  There was a middle of the night call as Mama went into crisis, and then daily visits and catching up with calls and texts.  I was so glad I was here, and could be involved in these critical days, even while others carried the brunt of the burden. The whole intensity of the situation felt so different than it would have from four hours away.

There was a time, Thursday night, when we did not think Mama would live through the night.  I spoke to my brother, Clint, and asked him to come.  Mark spoke to Nel and Rose and told them they should come, as well.  Mama took one look at her oldest son and things were immediately better.  When Nel got in the next morning, she went into a quiet sort of waiting that was much easier for us to handle.  And while she is not getting better, there is a peacefulness that is wonderful to see. However, though things are not as critical as they were, she does continue to deteriorate.  Clint left to go home to South Carolina around noon, and Nels plan to leave in the morning.  The four youngest of Mama’s children will see this through.  I’m so glad that Clint and Nel and Rose came.  Mama’s most lucid moments were for them this weekend, and their memories will be far better than we had hoped when we asked them to come home.  The days ahead look uncertain and difficult, but we are not alone, and we have incredible support from our families and the extended families.

And I am free to be more involved again.  Once again, having Lena here, having Rachel home, and having Deborah’s familiarity with our house routine and good help are blessings of no small measure.  There is much for which to be thankful.
And so, though our family  may not have had the vacation that we had hoped to have, I believe that we still have had the very best that these days could have afforded under the circumstances.

. . . and my heart gives grateful praise.

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My Sweet Mama

We take turns, sitting by her bed.  I trace the lines and think about the face that was so familiar to my young life. I never knew that she was considered a very beautiful woman until I was a teenager.  She was my Mama, and it didn’t matter what she looked like.

She gave me swing rides on busy mornings, sat on the steps and played dolly with me when I had no one to play with.  She tried to keep me neat and clean, but I had a penchant for dirt and for getting rips in my dresses.  I remember the time when I heard her say to Daddy one evening, “I think Mary Ann is finally growing up.  She isn’t ripping her dresses every day at school!”

She worked so hard.  There was a man she loved and a farm that they were working together, and she did anything that Mark Yoder, Sr. asked her to do.  She did anything that she thought would help him even at great cost to herself and her comfort.  She helped with the milking, fed chickens, gathered eggs, loaded and hauled one hundred pound burlap sacks of feed onto the wheelbarrow, as many as four and five at a time, and pushed them to the distant chicken house, emptied them into the feed cart and filled the hanging tube feeders down through the long house.  I remember when we got feed bins at the end of that house and how wonderful it was to pull that cart under the chute and watch the feed pour into the cart.  It seemed like luxury to her.

She did all that work outside and then came in and cooked for her family.  Three meals a day.  Every single day.  And Daddy liked real food, so she didn’t very often decide to “just slip by.”  She canned peaches and pears and applesauce and tomato juice and pickles and sometimes meat.  She froze huge quantities of corn, Delaware Lima Beans, and strawberry jam.  She began baking our own bread around the time I reached adolescence and the memories of the sight of those beautiful loaves and the smell of the farm kitchen inspire me still.  The smell of homemade bread still says “home” to me like no other smell.

She loved to sing, and she had a lovely soprano voice.  It was the time in the Mennonite church when forming a singing group was popular, and many people would sing in a specialized, privately arranged group.  She sang in a women’s sextet for a number of years, and they were good.  The ladies in that group had names that would be recognized in many communities.  Mama’s sister in law, Dottie Embleton Yoder, Dottie’s sister Tootie Embleton Miller Clegg, Rachel Swartzentruber Schlabach, Rachel’s sister, Vida Jane Swartzentruber Huber and  Maxine Mast Eash (along with Mama, Alene Wert Yoder) are the six that would have sung together the longest.  They were good!  Sometimes they would practice at our house, and we would need to go to bed early. What an incredible privilege to grow up hearing my Mama’s voice, singing in an a capella group in the living room below my room as I drifted off to sleep.

Beauty, music, good food, hard work.  And so much more.  All now brought to a halt by life and aging and this last insidious battle that she is fighting.  A fall.  A broken leg.  Surgery.  Pneumonia.  A heart attack.  And now an infection that has been hard to trace.  She is totally dependent for everything she needs.  The road ahead looks frightening and difficult.  She is 86 years old.  Often dogged by weariness in her life, she is even more exhausted and she struggles to breathe as her lungs fill more and more with fluid and the ravages of pneumonia.  The doctors and the nurses are so kind, and they jump to do what they can for her.  They are guarded in their prognosis.

For the first time in her life, she is talking about wanting to go home to Heaven.  She doesn’t want to leave the people who love her, and she really does care about the little ones who know and love her and want her to stay here.  But the tug of the eternal is all over her face and the weariness holds us at bay because she is too tired to really converse.

And so we, (I and my siblings and in laws and the next generation) sit by her bed.  We hold conferences with the (many) doctors and each other.  We adjust the pillow that gets so hot around her neck, give her sips of ice water, and rub her feet.  We call the nurse when the breathing gets so short she gets frantic and we call the nurse when she has other needs that we cannot meet.  We pray for her, speak to her of Heaven and those who are already there.  I print out pictures for her wall of happier times and I try to bring up the good, good memories of the many, many years we’ve shared together.

The last year has been especially difficult for her — and us.  She has felt her independence slipping away and she has battled fiercely against anything, ANYTHING, that she deemed an inroad on her life the way she knew it.  Oftentimes, that came out very differently than the Mama we’ve known, and it’s been difficult to discern what is actually best for her.  As a family, we’ve known that this injurious fall was probably what would happen, someday.  We hoped that it wouldn’t.  We knew the risks and wanted something different for her, but when all was said and done, we decided to allow Mama to decide on anything that she could.  And this is one battle that she won, by virtue only of being THE MAMA.

But now it seems as if the fight is gone.  To her, Heaven looks a whole lot better than rehab. How I wish it were possible to just bring her home to her house, her bird, her familiar kitchen.  But, at least for now, that isn’t possible.  We have hard decisions to make, for sure, and no solution is perfect.  The one thing I am so immensely grateful for is that the six adult children of Mark and Alene Yoder are solidly together in the decisions already made.  As Mama’s power of attorney, I’ve been blessed with the kind of support that many, many people only dream about.  It has made everything so much easier. How very much I love my three brothers and two sisters and their generous spouses.

And we will keep watch and do what we can for her, pleading for creature comforts, praying for spiritual comfort and rest.  She has been such a good Mama.  We’ve been blessed far beyond what we deserve, and this upheaval, though overwhelming, is not without the grace of our Heavenly Father and Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is neither surprised nor perplexed by the happenings of these last ten days.  And He has been gracious in His provision, tender in His care, and present with us, His children.

My heart gives grateful praise.

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To think it Happened in Wal-mart.

I had just found a cart that seemed to work okay and was heading into Wal-Mart to do some quick shopping.  I stopped to look at a display right inside the door beside Dunkin’ Donuts when a young man walked up and stood maybe six feet away from me.  He had a buzzed haircut, and was nice looking.

“Excuse me, miss,” he said.  My kids say I never know a stranger, and I smiled at him.  “Would you possibly have change for a twenty?”  He held a folded twenty dollar bill in his hand, “My nephew wants to play the arcade and it won’t take a twenty.  I’d pretty much settle for any kind of change — two tens, four fives or a mix.  I could stand in line, but I would like to not have to wait that long.”

I almost never carry change like that, but I was pretty sure that I had some this time.  Not a bunch, but probably at least a ten and two fives or something.  “I just might,” I said to him, digging for my wallet.  “Let me see.”  I scrounged  around in the depths of the big old purse that I had plunked into the seat of the cart.  I found it, peered inside, and sure enough, there were two tens.

“I do have it,!” I said triumphantly.  I handed him the two tens and he gave me the folded money.  And bee-lined it out the door.  H-m-m-m-m.  The arcade was in the other direction.  Oh, well, Maybe it wasn’t the Wal-mart Arcade.  I started to stuff the twenty into my wallet when I suddenly noticed that it felt strange. I unfolded the bill and saw that it was laminated on one side.  It looked mostly okay, but that lamination really bothered me.  The bill was extremely raggedy under the lamination.  I was immediately suspicious, but the young man was long gone.

I pushed my cart through the store having imaginary arguments and conversations with the young man.  Things I could have said or things I could have done.  I pretty much covered the gamut and still came up with the conclusion that  I had probably just been stiffed out of twenty bucks.  I thought momentarily about trying to use it to pay part of my bill at the checkout, but decided that it might be better to just take it into a bank.  I didn’t want to get arrested to for trying to pass a counterfeit bill.   I brought it home and showed it to whomever would look at it.  Almost no one was willing to state unequivocally one way or another  Then I showed it to my friend who works in the money center at Wal-mart, and told her my story.  Emma is a sharp cookie.  She would NEVER be stuck like that.  She held it in her hand, felt it, held it up to the light and finally said, “I’m sure it’s a fake, Mary Ann.  It doesn’t have a water mark.  And it doesn’t feel right, though it might be the tape they have on it.”

I decided that the next time I went to the bank, I would see what they had to say.

So today, on my way home from Sweet Mama’s house, I took my twenty dollar bill into the bank and told my story.

“It looks fine to me,” said the young teller.  “Someone probably just taped it because it is so ratty.”  She felt it, looked at it, and then called the other teller over.  “What do you think?” She asked the other gal,  “Is this real or is it fake?”

“It looks fine to me,too,” said the other teller, “but let me take it back to see what they say back there.  I’m pretty sure it is okay.  And if it is, we will trade you out a good one for this one and take this one out of circulation.”

For just a little bit, I felt relieved.  My faith in human nature was starting to revive.  I took care of some other business while I waited for the second teller to return.  Just as we were finishing up, she came back out, holding the twenty and looking apologetic.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.  “It isn’t legit.  And I’m also so sorry, but we can’t give it back to you.  When a counterfeit bill comes through, we are required by law to confiscate it and send it to the authorities.”  She showed me the back of the bill, then and two long brown marks crossed over the back of it.  “If it was good,” she said, “these marks would have instantly turned yellow, but they didn’t change at all.  I’m so sorry!”

“That’s fine,” I said, glad that I was given some time to suspect the truth.  “I was pretty sure that it wasn’t any good.  But I’m also pretty sure that I’ve given money to just as worthless a cause in other situations, and this will be okay.  It makes me sad, because of the deception and the dishonesty, but it is the way it is, and it will be okay.”

The teller murmured something about, “Never knowing, maybe it is being paid forward,” but I wasn’t sure how it applied in this situation.  I gathered my things and came on home.

I’ve been doing some thinking about that money the rest of this day.  Wondering what it was used for.  Sometimes wishing I knew — but usually glad I don’t.  And I don’t know,  Maybe it got used for something good and wholesome eventually.  I don’t know.  But I can hope.

But I also am choosing to  just let it go.  There were numerous places along the way where God could have raised a warning flag in my heart, or stopped me somehow, and He didn’t.  (Or, at least I didn’t hear Him– which, sadly might be more likely.)  So even though I am tempted to think of the good that I could have done with that twenty dollars, I am choosing not to even go there.  For one thing, I probably wouldn’t have specified it for “good.”  I’ve been known to use twenty dollars rather quickly in A.C. Moore or Barnes & Noble or Hobby Lobby or Michael’s.  And it is rather exciting to think about just where that money might be going and how God is going to use it.  Because I did pray for that young man and dedicated both him and the money to God  in those first minutes after the money was out of my hand, and I believe that God can use even desperate people and ill-gotten, misdirected money for His Glory. And I may as well trust Him.  I can’t really think of anything better to do.

And so,my heart will glory in a God who sees, who cares, and who tells us “not to trust in uncertain riches but gives us richly all things to enjoy.” (1 Timothy 6:17)  This is more than enough for me.

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